Two Parenting Truths and 1 Big FAT Lie.
For parents who try hard but still mess up (all of us).
This morning i would win ‘worst parent’ award if you judged my entire parenting career on it.
Maybe i wouldn’t win. There was no heroin or domestic violence.
But i screamed at my three year old in a big way. There was screaming, door slamming and lots of tears from us both. I was more the three year old than him.
I was irrational and unkind. I can taste a hint of bile that’s bubbled up in my remorseful state.
Why?
Because today is a daycare day.
I’ll get to the 2 truths and 1 lie in a sec.
Today is a precious day where my three year old goes to kindy and Mum and Dad work from home without interruption.
A day without thinking about schedules, nap times or getting fruits and veggies in.
A day without having to hide my laptop so my kid doesn’t pick it up and try to ‘work’ on it and then drop it or smoosh the butterfly keys.
A day where i can think my own thoughts for a few hours.
Getting Arty to daycare today was hectic.
He tried every trick in the book and I didnt have the warmth and tolerance of a black and white 1950’s apple-pie cooking hollywood Mum. I had PMS and a heap of other excuses to make me more like the deranged bear from ‘Brave’.
He picked up my ‘Mordu’ energy and things went downhill.
I even kicked a toy car like it was the last three seconds of an AFL grand final and i was in possession.
I was pathetic, no excuses.
After dropping him off I went and stared at the giant gum trees and flock of galahs who were unapologetically fornicating at our local park. An orgy of white feathers, fresh cut grass and wind.
Ye old default mode network threw this at me..
TRUTH 1
You’re human. You’re flawed.
No matter how hard you try to be a tops parents…no matter how hard and consistently you improve upon the parenting model you inherited…no matter how fabulously wonderfully amazingly good you are…
..you’ll still mess up.
And mess your kid up in some way.
TRUTH 2
Even though you’ll mess them up in some way by something you do or don’t do…it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Obviously theres a sliding scale here, you can truly mess your kid up (previous heroin and DV mention) and yes you’re a bad parent if you do these things, hands down.
But at the other end of the sliding scale of messing your kids up is actually parents messing up in incredibly human ways and giving kids the fodder to learn from and improve their own lives.
My parents didn’t bash us or try heroin (i don’t think) but they had some other funky parenting practices not recommended that messed me and my sibling up but also fueled our creativity and self development.
The way they messed up has given me some of the most potent teachings.
Their example has fueled my deepest values inversely.
For the better.
Plus, it’s a rite of passage for every adult to realise your parents are human and they messed up in whatever way.
And then forgive the poor buggers.
How else can we expect our kids to do the same for us.
Don’t be so flawless you deny your kid an important rite of passage.
A lesson in accountability for one’s own life.
Big FAT lie
The lie is that you WON’T fuck up your kid.
Sorry, but i call BS on all the parenting gurus who appear to have it all figured out.
I am painfully aware of my responsibility to be my best self, so i role model good stuff.
And I am also painfully aware of my human-ness.
Warts and all. Hot-headedness and all.
Aware of how accountable i am for all of it and for all of my parenting.
Perfection only exists within imperfection.
So the question is…
In what ways are you ok messing up your kid?
Heroin jokes aside (not actually funny sorry)..
But truly, what is completely unacceptable for you as a parent to mess up?
Maybe it’s innocent and you don’t want your kid to inherit your ‘eat your feelings’ chocolate binge habits.
Or maybe its darker.
Stop shooting up heroin guys!
Or maybe it’s somewhere in the middle of the sliding scale.
Maybe you don’t want your kid to learn its ok to resolve conflicts with screaming, door slamming, kicking toy cars and emotional outbursts.
Maybe you don’t want them to learn that just because they feel awful doesn’t mean they can behave awful.
Maybe you feel it’s unacceptable for them to experience a feeling of unsafety around you, in the home-their sanctuary.
Maybe you have some work to do. I know I do.
But work as a parent will never stop.
Parenting and self development are lifelong.
They’re infinite games.
The moment you stop playing is the moment you lose.
TAKEAWAYS
TRUTH 1: You WILL mess your kid up. By doing or not doing something.
TRUTH 2: ‘Messing’ them up is on a sliding scale.
The way us parents fail can act as fodder for their improvement.
It’s a rite of passage that kids take accountability for their adult selves, regardless of the upbringing they had.
Big FAT lie: You WON’T mess up your kid.
Question to ask yourself: In what ways am I ok with messing up my kid? What do I need to change?
Additional scooby snack: Go stare at galahs and treetops when you need respite. Your better self (older than 3) is waiting there with insight and comfort.
Great to see you here Bonnie 😊