The unpredictable two-fold gift of motherhood.

Almost 3 years ago I had my first baby. Life changed in every possible way. Not a single facet of my being has been left untouched. He’s spilt every bodily fluid on me at some point and still does so regularly. He’s left bruises, scratches and bite marks from loving me hard like he would a favourite teddy. Topped up, overfilled and emptied my brain of all reason, logic and rationality. Planted kisses and fluttered little chubby footprints on my head and heart that will stay there forever. Yes he’s walked on my head, little wildling. And he’s set a path in motion for my life i couldn’t have predicted.

Before my little rugrat came along life made sense and I had my sh*t all figured out. Life trajectory was set. I had 6 respectable contracts all under the nursing banner. Working as an emergency nurse, teaching nursing students at university and in hospital, teaching advanced life support to nurse and medical colleagues and data collection for research projects. I loved to work. My body was in great nick. Money wasn’t an issue. It was a safe and predictable life. The plan was to pop baby out, be back at work in 6 months, put baby in daycare and also start my masters degree. Continue life as before but with a baby.

Well, that didn’t happen. I’ve sympathy for my pre-motherhood self and her grand plans. The plan was sound and naive, and I was so solid on it. Respect to those parents who can do such wild things.

Not only did i fall in love with my baby and want to be with him full-time, I was completely exhausted all the time and frankly still am. Breastfeeding, broken sleep, anxiety over all the ways i should and should not parent my child. Nightmares about squishing him in bed, when he was never in my bed. Marital changes, a mothers body, new mummy friends and changes to non-mummy friendships. Dwindling self care resources, less money with less work, less recovery time, casual shifts in a demanding profession. When we have kids we have to re-prioritise our life and re-allocate our resources. There’s more stuff to spread yourself over. And less space and time to let the dust settle so we can see where we’re spreading ourself. And there’s guilt. You love your bub so much and want to give them the best and not miss a moment and set them up in all the right ways, and the reality is sometimes we just have to focus on keeping them and us alive, fed, watered, toileted and hopefully rested. We miss ourself and our pre-baby life, feeling its departure more and more as mum ‘n’ bub life grows bigger. More guilt for admitting we miss pre-baby life.

Now three years on, as Arty hops about the house being the joyful bunny rabbit he is spreading cuteness and mess everywhere I’m filled with gratitude for the gift of motherhood. Its two-fold. The gift of a new life wrapped in a little fleshy body who materialised somewhat from nothing. And the gift of motherhood and the whole new dimension it has added to life. If pre-baby me saw present me now, I’m not sure what she would think. Probably dissociate in shock not understanding the added dimensions that opened up since Arty’s arrival. Nothing about life today could have been predicted. Having a baby cracked me open in cosmic ways. Through those cracks a stronger light shoots out at infinite angles. And as time goes on I’m seeing what those beams cast light on…if I’m courageous enough to look.

The prior life trajectory fizzled, like a faulty missile and there’s been a period of floating about like an untethered astronaut in space grabbing at cables. Now it feels more solid somehow or maybe when Arty was born, so to was I. Starting right back at the beginning. Clueless, fumbling only seeing a few inches ahead. Now after three years I’m walking, talking and a bit more cluey.

Giving birth to new life is totally extraordinary and completely nuts. Its surprising and delighting and unpredictable by nature. Not just in how my bub grows into himself but also in how i grow in to myself.

When our little hatchlings crack open their shell, it seems ours cracked open too. Life is anew. The unpredictability and the possibility of all we can be as mothers. All we can be for our babies and for ourselves.