Self-deprecation is like having poo on your outfit and letting it flick onto other people as you go about your day.

Slipping into self-deprecation mode and rewriting our script.

Yesterday I went to the playground with my kid and learnt a few things about self-deprecation and respect.

It was the coolest playground and we were the coolest kids hanging out in the crows nest with a 360 view, yelling mutant bird animal noises at my toddlers choosing.

Full imagination mode. No one else there. No one else thought it a good idea to visit a bush playground on a Tuesday morning as temperatures crept into the high 30’s (celsius).

Arty took off my sweaty stinky shoes then his and lined them up in the crows nest informing me with true toddler authority ‘This is our new home. I’m going upstairs, you do some work.’ He hands me an ‘imagination laptop’ and indicates typing.

Bliss.

Both of us barefoot, totally present, no rushing anywhere, no task at hand.

‘Someone’s come to visit,’ Arty announces.

A small ginger headed boy wearing a fluoro tradies polo was looking up at us. He turned around.

On his back was written ‘APPRENTICE’. All caps. Cute.

Arty climbed over to the big yellow tube slide that exited the crows nest and rocketed himself down, eager for a meet n greet. I followed.

He rushed over to two little boys and their two mums, sat within a meter of them smiling and waving. Cheesy grins and chubby cheeks.

I played it cool hanging out a few play equipment pieces away, nonchalant, staring at the bush having a chug on my oversized mum drink bottle.

There’s probably a few things Arty could teach me about confidence, valuing oneself and supporting your own unique selling proposition as a person.

The two mums were lovely as were their boys. Both a little younger than Arty. Both the mums my ageish. We grew up in the same areas, same schools, knew the same names etc.

Arty was in his element. Showing off, copying the other boys, talking to the mums, playing alongside. Just the right balance of flashing his brilliance and giving the love.

Then one of the mums said ‘So, do you have many mum friends around here?’

It was a tender topic for me and I suddenly felt vulnerable and a bit choked up.

Cue anxiety and conditioned response.

I explained how we moved 18months ago, leaving our community, including my mums group. Then in my discomfort of thinking about my lack of mum friends, a recent friend rejection, general isolation and loneliness id felt in mum circles etc, I started word vomiting. Started self-deprecating.

About how I didn’t really fit in with my mums group, how they were very polished and how i was a ‘dirty emergency nurse with some scungy edges’.

WTF Bonnie.

There are some characteristics that come with emergency nursing like you do get a lot of different body fluids on you each shift (including semen if you’re unlucky). And you develop this bizarre attitude around the dirtiness factor of people and life death and everything in between. Pretty much you become a bit mental and need to watch yourself and your sense of humour when amongst non-emergency workers. I’m a bit self conscious about how it has altered my social interactions.

But this was totally irrelevant in the moment.

Anyway, it got worse.

I then said how ‘I’m much more comfortable around here instead of our previous (high-tone, wealthy, polished) suburb’ (the suburb which has much higher socioeconomic status compared to this one). They knew the previous suburb was more ritzy than the current one. They knew the comparison.

OMG.

Have you ever had a moment of weakness with an unintentional judgey-wudgey slip?

Somehow the two women still wanted my contact details so we could hang out at a later date…time will tell if they follow through. Would you?

My words had painted an image of me wearing bits of poop and scunge, alluding to a substandard ‘look-the-other-way’ person.

And then Id indicated how this substandard person was more comfortable and at home in this current community. The same community that they live in, grew up in, are raising their kids in and frequent playgrounds in.

‘Here let me flick some of my scunge off onto you in this place that you are, that i’m telling you i also belong.’

‘I’m a substandard person in a substandard community and you guys are here too and are hanging out with me, so you also must be substandard.’

Ok, so maybe I’ve blown this out of proportion a little, but there’s truth in it. Right?

I slipped up. It wasn’t a humorous observation of shortcomings im working on.

It was feelings of low self worth and fear of rejection. It was a conditioned response to put myself down to draw attention in a bizarre attempt to build rapport by not seeming like a threat, but like a wounded bird.

This aint 1950’s hollywood and i aint a wounded bird.

Self-deprecation is self-disrespect.

Its sh*tting on yourself. Self-deprecation=self-defecation.

Putting yourself down for whatever reason is simply not going to move the needle forward in terms of being a better or your best you.

And you might be flicking that sh*t onto the people around you by saying without words ‘I am a substandard person, and you are a substandard person by choosing to befriend/hang out/marry/love me’.

It’s not going to attract high quality awesome people, friends or clients. It’s not going to help build high quality awesome kids.

Not going to help build a high quality awesome life.

Self-deprecation is self-disrespect AND disrespect to the people who choose to invest in a relationship with you.

How do we clean up the habit?

Awareness is one half the battle, taking directed action the other.

I’m choosing to get really aware of all the ways I put myself down and make myself small.

The things we say or do not say. About ourself. To ourself and to others.

When does being funny or being honest about our human flaws roll over into belittling ourself?

We need to get clear on when we do it. Then we can stop before we start, or choose to rewrite the script if we find ourselves already in self-deprecating mode. Or have an efficient strategy to process, clean up and learn from our a slip to prevent another.

Do you feel anxious about rejection? I didn’t think i did, firmly believing the more authentic you are the more you will attract your tribe and repulse the rest.

Logically i believe this, but maybe my emotions haven’t caught up with my head. I think this is what fueled my slip into self deprecation mode.

When do you slip into self-deprecation? Is it conscious or unconscious? A conditioned behavioural response to an environmental cue? Maybe it’s a response you don’t agree with anymore, but still comes up when triggered?

Do you recover quickly or spiral further down, getting yourself into a hole that takes time and energy to get out of? Could you use that time and energy for better purposes?, literally anything.

Do you have kids? Do you want them to inherit your behaviours and habits? Do you want them to learn its ok to self-deprecate?

What picture are you painting of yourself for others to see? What do you tell the world of your character and your worth? Is it accurate? Have you convinced others or yourself you are less worthy or substandard?

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We are funny things.

Heads full of drafted thought scripts, impulses, triggers, messy feelings and every other thing it is to be human.

But we can choose to rewrite our own script and take ownership and accountability of our self-worth, self-respect and the quality of our relationships and lives.

We can choose to do the work. The hard work of rooting out those grass seeds stuck in our minds that make us glitch and behave in a manner or value things we don’t actually agree with. We can get better. We can choose to be different.

Our time and energy is finite and we can choose not to give it to self-deprecation.